How I’ll Keep You Safe From Terrorism

Step 1: Identify the Threats

I’ll start by Googling “bad guys.” Then I’ll cross-reference that with vibes, TikTok trends, and whatever my group chat says feels sketchy. If your energy is off, I’ll know.

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Step 2: Apply Common Sense

I have no background in intelligence or counterterrorism, but I do know how to download a PDF and skim it. That’s 90% of threat assessment right there.

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Step 3: Partner With Experts (Who Know I’m in Charge)

I’ll lean on lifelong professionals, career agents, and veterans of actual wars to advise me, then I’ll confidently ignore their advice and forward a Reddit thread instead.

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Step 4: Launch Awareness Campaigns

Get ready for bold messaging like:

“If You See Something, Say Something… to Me, Personally, I’m Free After 2.”

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Step 5: Monitor Domestic Threats

I’ll do regular Instagram sweeps and Reddit deep dives, because that’s where the real plots live. Also, I once built a PowerPoint titled “How to Stop Terrorism Using Just Grit and Canva.”

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Step 6: Report to Leadership

My superiors will receive detailed reports using only bullet points, emojis, and vague confidence. No one will understand what I’m saying, but everyone will be too afraid to admit it.

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Conclusion:

You’re in good hands...slightly clammy, inexperienced hands. But they’re eager, and they once held a rake and a barcode scanner in the same week.

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TRUMP 2028!!!