Thomas "Tommy" Fugate
When Inexperience Becomes a National Threat.
America, meet Thomas “Tommy” Fugate. 22 years old, freshly unboxed from the University of Texas at San Antonio, and now somehow the acting director of terrorism prevention at the Department of Homeland Security. That’s right. While most 22-year-olds are still learning how to separate lights and darks, Tommy is now separating threats from the homeland. Allegedly.
He’s been handed the keys to the Center for Prevention Programs and Partnerships (CP3), a position that was previously held by an Army veteran with two decades of actual experience. That guy resigned in protest. Tommy, on the other hand, just updated his resume font.
About Me
Before this sudden promotion, I was a “special assistant” in DHS’s Immigration & Border Security suboffice, a title so vague it might as well have been “guy who holds the clicker during PowerPoints.” Before that? I was a part-time gardener and grocery store assistant, where I developed key skills like bagging kale and not overwatering government secrets. And yet, here we are.
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In less than a year, I jumped from confidential assistant to head of counterterrorism prevention strategy, a role that usually requires, at the very least, a security clearance above “Knows What Reddit Is.”
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According to DHS, my rapid rise is due to my “strong work ethic,” which apparently now means showing up on time and not accidentally emailing ISIS a group selfie.
